My summer began with the passing of my dad's brother, my Uncle Bobby. We memorialized and buried him all the while attempting to explain heaven appropriately and comprehensible to a three year old child. As we walked as a family to the burial site my son stated matter of factly that he did not want to go to heaven and he asked if his cousin, Piper was going to heaven. When we talk about Uncle Bobby, he knows that he went to heaven. His idea of heaven, however is an enigma.
It has been said death comes in three's. There was Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and then Michael Jackson.
Ed McMahon's passing makes me sad because I hope he died with dignity. I remember a while back hearing reports of his financial despair, foreclosure on his home, etc. Isn't it ironic that a man who spent many years allegedly making others rich through Publisher's Clearing House perhaps died in bankruptcy?
Farrah Fawcett has been so sick and suffered although she appeared to remain positive and hopeful until the end. I wonder how she would feel about sharing all this publicity with M.J. Unfortunately her dignified death of natural causes related to Cancer can not compete with the death of the King of Pop and all of his eccentricities.
Michael Jackson: I am so conflicted on the life of this man. I can remember being a little girl and wanting a folder with Michael's picture wearing a gold shirt halfway unbuttoned to put inside my Trapper Keeper. I do not think my mother would buy it for me but I remember really liking Michael Jackson. This was around the time of the Thriller era. We had fun in Elementary School singing his songs and imitating his voice.
It has been years since I have listed to his music. I sort of outgrew him as well as disconnected with him when he bought Lennon/McCartney rights to their music and battled with precious Paul over them. But I can never forget his massive humanitarian efforts including USA for Africa/We are the World that touched so many lives including my own.
We all are walking contradictions as we all fall short of the glory of God. We strive to be good, we strive to make improvements, change for the better and we are never good enough. I can forgive Michael Jackson for his shortcomings. But can I honor this icon as a legend or dare I say a King?
If my neighbor were accused of some of the explicit and grotesque perversions such as Mr. Jackson, I feel sure that my community(myself included) would oust him. We certainly would not want him in our neighborhood, near our schools, our children exposed to him. It would not matter to me whether he was acquitted or not, I would want nothing to do with the man ever again and I certainly would want my child protected from his kind. It would not matter if we were called judgemental. The risks would far out way any speculation. So why is it that we will (and our society will) immortalize him and wrap him in our memories in sheets of gold?
We had to say goodbye to Barrett's favorite zoo animal this summer. The gorilla, Jaime died a few days ago unexpectedly. He will be remembered in our household fondly as being gross and grody and funny. Barrett thoroughly enjoying watching him throw up and then eat his vomit once more. Visiting the gorilla has been a highlight of many a zoo trip for us.
Death, while a certainty of life is not an easy topic to discuss with a little one. It seems to be a recurring theme during the month of June. As we enter into July, I hope to visit new topics and give the subject of death a breather.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Miracle of the birth of Barrett
When Brandon & I got married, we had no idea that our first child would be conceived three short months later. I had been diagnosed with Graves Disease(thyroid) right before our wedding in April and was not feeling well at all. My doctor encouraged me to have radioactive treatment to kill my thyroid. She told me that I could not even consider pregnancy for at least a year due to this treatment. Although we were not planning on becoming pregnant during our first year of marriage, I did not feel comfortable having this procedure. My thinking on the matter was why kill something but leave it inside of me only to one day get cancer in the dead organ. I suggested that we just go ahead and take it out altogether. My surgeon agreed and took out my thyroid. After the surgery I felt so much better immediately. My doctor wanted me to discontinue all medication including blood pressure meds as the thyroid affects so many areas. She wanted to see what my body would do. She did advise that it would take up to a year for my body to fully adjust.
However, I had the surgery in July of 2005 and due to no meds, Barrett was born in March of the following year. He was delivered at 37 weeks due to my hypertension so we celebrated our one year anniversary in April with a newborn baby. Actually my mom gave us a much needed night of rest by keeping the baby. We had steak and asparagus and a little wine and passed out promptly.
I know Barrett was a miracle for several reasons...
First, I had some female problems and my cycle was not normal at all when we found out we were pregnant and not even trying. (I was not even having a period o.k. !)
Secondly, I had some spotting early in my pregnancy that caused me to have an early ultrasound. The technician was sweet and told us that she saw the sac but could not see a baby. She encouraged us that this was normal early on in pregnancy and the doctor would explain more when he looked at it.
I got the Dr. on-call which was unfortunate. I often wonder what things would have been like had Dr. Heaton been around to view my ultrasound that day. However, Dan Hudson was less than kind. He informed me that there was no baby in there and matter of factly stated that he was sorry and that was it. We were sent to the lab for me to have blood work that would need to be followed up within I want to say 24 hours although it is mostly a blur to me. All I know is that I left the Dr.'s office that day devastated that there was a possibility that my baby was not growing inside of me and that I had most likely miscarried. Looking back I was more upset than I could ever describe but something in me would not completely believe that Dr. Hudson knew what he was talking about. Some might call this denial but thanks be to God that my intuition was correct. I went back into the office on Saturday to have more blood drawn. My "numbers" were supossed to have "doubled" to indicate a healthy pregnancy. A long and grueling weekend went by and a horrible Monday followed and of course Henderson & Walton did not call as they said that they would. Fortunately, a dear friend of my mom's worked there and followed up with the nurses for me. The numbers did not double but they did elevate. The bad news would have been if they decreased. It is amazing that even now Barrett's doctors say that he is not even on the growth chart but he steadily grows on his "own growth chart". Everything with my pregnancy went fine after that. My blood pressure, as always was an issue which resulted in lots of doctor visits, non stress tests and a couple of visits to the hospital. It was all worth it to have this precious child. However, three years later my body STILL has not recovered. I had my gal bladder out this past December and my body acts like the body of a 60 year old. My doctor would tell you herself if she was not bound by HIPAA. :)
The real reason that we now know that Barrett is such a miracle is that he is still our only child. It is so beautiful to me that God had plans for us to be the parents of this wonderful & perfect child in His timing rather than our own. Had we waited, had we tried would we have ever even had a child? I can hardly even go there.
I will never feel jaded or wronged for not being able to get pregnant with a second child. I also will most likely not pursue the path of infertility options as we are so blessed with Barrett which is more than many trying couples could ever dream. I am able to see some of the terribly sad things couples experiencing infertility go through though I do not choose to feel them personally since I have a child. It makes me sensitive to their needs and the insensitive way in which they are oftentimes treated. I hate going to the doctor's office and seeing pregnant bellies all over the place and knowing that there are women in there that unlike me do not have a child at home. Of all places, the office of a gynecologist should be in tune with the feelings of women and their needs. Other people are also unreal with their questions, their judgements, their comments.
I choose to be open about my situation. I choose not to feel sad or burdened for not being able thus far to have conceived a second child. I choose to look at my one child as a miracle and the best blessing God could ever have given to me. I think of all the things I wanted my whole life and the many things I begged God for and I did not get. He knew the best and He gave me the best. I am so very thankful!
That being said, although I choose to feel this way because for me if I never have another child, I am fulfilled. I would like to have another child. I would love for Barrett to have a sibling in which to go through life side by side. It makes me sad to think of him not having a brother or sister when I think about my life and my brother. However, he is so blessed to have such loving family and friends. Barrett will be fine. We will be fine. We have a great family. Some people, however, do not feel this way. Some do not want to talk about these feelings. Some do not want to be asked when they are going to have another child just because it's "time". Some do not wish to have to disclose the desires of their heart to anyone and everyone who asks the questions they think they deserve to know just because they feel that no one should have an only child or desire to have only one child.
When you ask me the questions, you will get the most straight and honest answer that I can give to answer "When is Barrett going to have a sibling?, Isn't it "time"to have another child, "have you been trying to get pregnant". I will simply say from my heart that this situation is in God's hands and when and if he is ready to give us a child, we will be ready.
However, I had the surgery in July of 2005 and due to no meds, Barrett was born in March of the following year. He was delivered at 37 weeks due to my hypertension so we celebrated our one year anniversary in April with a newborn baby. Actually my mom gave us a much needed night of rest by keeping the baby. We had steak and asparagus and a little wine and passed out promptly.
I know Barrett was a miracle for several reasons...
First, I had some female problems and my cycle was not normal at all when we found out we were pregnant and not even trying. (I was not even having a period o.k. !)
Secondly, I had some spotting early in my pregnancy that caused me to have an early ultrasound. The technician was sweet and told us that she saw the sac but could not see a baby. She encouraged us that this was normal early on in pregnancy and the doctor would explain more when he looked at it.
I got the Dr. on-call which was unfortunate. I often wonder what things would have been like had Dr. Heaton been around to view my ultrasound that day. However, Dan Hudson was less than kind. He informed me that there was no baby in there and matter of factly stated that he was sorry and that was it. We were sent to the lab for me to have blood work that would need to be followed up within I want to say 24 hours although it is mostly a blur to me. All I know is that I left the Dr.'s office that day devastated that there was a possibility that my baby was not growing inside of me and that I had most likely miscarried. Looking back I was more upset than I could ever describe but something in me would not completely believe that Dr. Hudson knew what he was talking about. Some might call this denial but thanks be to God that my intuition was correct. I went back into the office on Saturday to have more blood drawn. My "numbers" were supossed to have "doubled" to indicate a healthy pregnancy. A long and grueling weekend went by and a horrible Monday followed and of course Henderson & Walton did not call as they said that they would. Fortunately, a dear friend of my mom's worked there and followed up with the nurses for me. The numbers did not double but they did elevate. The bad news would have been if they decreased. It is amazing that even now Barrett's doctors say that he is not even on the growth chart but he steadily grows on his "own growth chart". Everything with my pregnancy went fine after that. My blood pressure, as always was an issue which resulted in lots of doctor visits, non stress tests and a couple of visits to the hospital. It was all worth it to have this precious child. However, three years later my body STILL has not recovered. I had my gal bladder out this past December and my body acts like the body of a 60 year old. My doctor would tell you herself if she was not bound by HIPAA. :)
The real reason that we now know that Barrett is such a miracle is that he is still our only child. It is so beautiful to me that God had plans for us to be the parents of this wonderful & perfect child in His timing rather than our own. Had we waited, had we tried would we have ever even had a child? I can hardly even go there.
I will never feel jaded or wronged for not being able to get pregnant with a second child. I also will most likely not pursue the path of infertility options as we are so blessed with Barrett which is more than many trying couples could ever dream. I am able to see some of the terribly sad things couples experiencing infertility go through though I do not choose to feel them personally since I have a child. It makes me sensitive to their needs and the insensitive way in which they are oftentimes treated. I hate going to the doctor's office and seeing pregnant bellies all over the place and knowing that there are women in there that unlike me do not have a child at home. Of all places, the office of a gynecologist should be in tune with the feelings of women and their needs. Other people are also unreal with their questions, their judgements, their comments.
I choose to be open about my situation. I choose not to feel sad or burdened for not being able thus far to have conceived a second child. I choose to look at my one child as a miracle and the best blessing God could ever have given to me. I think of all the things I wanted my whole life and the many things I begged God for and I did not get. He knew the best and He gave me the best. I am so very thankful!
That being said, although I choose to feel this way because for me if I never have another child, I am fulfilled. I would like to have another child. I would love for Barrett to have a sibling in which to go through life side by side. It makes me sad to think of him not having a brother or sister when I think about my life and my brother. However, he is so blessed to have such loving family and friends. Barrett will be fine. We will be fine. We have a great family. Some people, however, do not feel this way. Some do not want to talk about these feelings. Some do not want to be asked when they are going to have another child just because it's "time". Some do not wish to have to disclose the desires of their heart to anyone and everyone who asks the questions they think they deserve to know just because they feel that no one should have an only child or desire to have only one child.
When you ask me the questions, you will get the most straight and honest answer that I can give to answer "When is Barrett going to have a sibling?, Isn't it "time"to have another child, "have you been trying to get pregnant". I will simply say from my heart that this situation is in God's hands and when and if he is ready to give us a child, we will be ready.
Up
Here goes my first movie review:
I went to see Up today at the Rave. I was expecting to tollerate the film for my 3 year old son and maybe get a little warm & fuzzy, "that was cute" feeling. However, this film is a must see for adults. Sure it has vivid color and cute characters that appeal to children. The storyline, however is truly heartwarming and causes the viewer to look into himself and reevaluate the things in life that matter the most. I was reminded of Rick Burgess speaking at his son's memorial service when he spoke of stomping into the carpet the crayons that were left in the middle of the office floor that once aggravated him so much. He spoke of the lack of importance of this material thing that once seemed otherwise. I was left thinking about the things that matter most to me in my life and how we sometimes focus so much on making our dreams come true that we miss the most special moments that are right before our very eyes. When it is all said and done, perhaps our dreams weren't all we hoped they would be and we look back on our lives at the most ordinary of days and realize those times were better than even our wildest of dreams.
I went to see Up today at the Rave. I was expecting to tollerate the film for my 3 year old son and maybe get a little warm & fuzzy, "that was cute" feeling. However, this film is a must see for adults. Sure it has vivid color and cute characters that appeal to children. The storyline, however is truly heartwarming and causes the viewer to look into himself and reevaluate the things in life that matter the most. I was reminded of Rick Burgess speaking at his son's memorial service when he spoke of stomping into the carpet the crayons that were left in the middle of the office floor that once aggravated him so much. He spoke of the lack of importance of this material thing that once seemed otherwise. I was left thinking about the things that matter most to me in my life and how we sometimes focus so much on making our dreams come true that we miss the most special moments that are right before our very eyes. When it is all said and done, perhaps our dreams weren't all we hoped they would be and we look back on our lives at the most ordinary of days and realize those times were better than even our wildest of dreams.
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